I'm so depressed. I don't know what it is. Is it the stress I'm feeling because it's the end of the semester? The added stress from knowing that if I don't work as many hours as I can before this Sunday that we aren't going to be able to pay our bills next week? The stress from Hubby being sick and knowing that the house is a mess? Laundry needs to be done? I have so much to do in terms of getting the house up to par and getting it in my name and all the work I have to do before next week and the week after. AND I have no time for myself, I need to meditate, I need to write, I want to paint. I need to do something that will help me center, and ground. But I have so much other stuff to do that I can't find time for it all, let alone for myself.

The Artist's Way, By Julia Cameron
So I'm reading this book, The Artist's way, A spiritual path to higher creativity and I have decided that because I don't write enough on here, (I have a hand written journal that I use much more often), and because I love to type as well as write, but writing takes longer, this is where I'm going to do my morning pages. It is too hard for me to write three pages of stream of consciousness writing in my journal because I don't always have that much to say. So instead I am going to do this, writing my morning pages on here. I think it'll be more beneficial. The first chapter of the book, or the first activity is really all about affirmations, so I need to figure out some things that I say negative in my life and come up with an opposite remark for those things and make them my affirmations. Here we go,
I never make enough money.
I don't have time to do everything I need to do, let alone what I want to do.
I am always angry, I can't control my anger.
I hate so many people, they bother and intrude in my life!
I'm ruining my kids lives.
I am never going to find enough resources to fix my house so it's livable.
My job is frustrating and I hate going to work.
I don't think I can get off this methadone.
I am really afraid I'm going to fail my psych test.

Ok, I think that is all I can come up with for now. It summarizes up the majority of how I feel. Now let's turn these into positives!!
I make enough money to sustain my life and my needs and I am content and happy with all I have.
I have lots of time to use in every way I need it and I use it wisely, allowing myself to do everything I need to do, and want to do.
I do not let my anger get the best of me, I am a happy and content person and my negativity is dwindling, replaced by an overwhelming feeling of content and optimism.
I do not let people that are negative bother me, when I cannot avoid them I radiate love and compassion, for they are suffering and I understand that.
My kids are beautiful, wise, and kind. I am teaching them love and respect, and they are growing into wonderful individuals, developmentally sound.
My home is sound, I have everything I need, resource wise, to fix and rebuild anything broken in my house.
My job requires great patience and I have limitless amounts to give. I enjoy going to work to be reminded of how much joy there is in helping those in need.
I am tapering from my methadone and I will continue without any troubles until I am free of addiction.
I will have all the knowledge I need to succeed in taking my Human Development test on Wednesday, and I will get a high grade without trouble and anxiety.

Woo, there. That takes a lot I tell you. I'm going to have to go ahead and make copies of this to keep with me so that I can continue telling myself these things. I need to clear my mind of negative thoughts because I am afraid that I am accumulating a lot of bad karma and the things that have been happening to me lately are not good. I think that I am being tested, and I need to succeed. I have to learn forgiveness and discipline in the mind. But I am feeling really good about it now. I meditated on a new mantra this morning. I fumbled a lot, but I had my heart set, I know with time it will become smoother and I am benefiting from it regardless, as long as my heart is in it, I know I will succeed. :)

(no subject)
I have such a migraine. I'm going over my textbook again and again and nothing is sinking in. I have to write down all the important information my teacher gave us prep notes on and then go back and retype them and it still seems as though nothing has registered when I start testing. There is SO MUCH reading and info, and then I have to read through it AT LEAST twice, and THEN write the notes AT LEAST three times, and it just doesn't seem like there is enough time. I have to get my psych test done tonight, because I have a final in math tuesday (and a makeup from the second test I didn't take) that if I don't study I'll fail, PLUS three projects due the same day (I haven't started any of them). THEN on thursday I have my human service test, and the following thursday the make up for the second test. I missed TWO tests this semester from the pneumonia. It seemed though, that all of my tests always came at the same time. I haven't even read the chapters that I have due in another week for the 5th and last psych test. SO much reading...
I'm trying though. As long as I can pass, I'll do better next semester. It's the psych that's pulling me down. I'm great at math, English isn't even a problem, I'm all caught up, I love my teacher, it's awesome, and HS I'm going to do fine in, I have plenty of time to study (if I finish my PSYCH work).
I have been terribly constipated for the last month. So bad that I went two or three weeks, started puking and nausea in the middle of my pnumonia spell, thought that's what it was from and did not do an enema, and when I went to the dr he said he was close to hospitilizing me- for constipation? Only me. That's why i had a migraine for the full week of my pnuemonia, not because of the obvious. I did enemas for three days, barely had 2 md bms, and it's been another full week at least and I haven't gone since. I've done prune juice every night (which used to work better than most medications for me), I have been taking stool softeners(what comes out is still hard as a rock), and I've been doing laxatives every night. Nothing. Now I'm getting stomach achiness again, so I'm back to daily enemas and barely anything. So sad.
Well, I need to do my work, so I better put this up now....

Work...and more work...
I have SO much work to do before this semester ends. I'm ready for it though. I have the next couple weeks off of work and I'm ready to get down and dirty.
I was reading my english book and I was inspired by the argumentation fallacies entry:
"Ad Hominem Argument
Arguing ad hominem (literally, "against the man") means making an irrelevant attack on a person rather than dealing with the actual issue under discussion. Suppose, for example, that Senator Goodfellow, who has admitted to cheating on his income tax for the past five years, proposes a bill for welfare reform. It would be a fallacy to attack the bill by arguing that its proponent is guilty of tax evasion. The bill may be logical, humane, and in the best interest of the country. If it is not, what are its weaknesses? The bill, not Senator Goodfellow's problems with the Internal Revenue Service, should be the subject of discussion.
     One cannot be expected to take "Kubla Khan" seriously. Coleridge admitted to wrting it after he had taken drugs.
     Hemingway was a notorious womanizer. How can we value any of his ideas on morality and fidelity?

Such a practice indicates little understanding of the artistic process or of human nature. Writers, like all people, have human quirks and illnesses; yet such writers have produced inspiring works that affirm the highest values of civilization, and those affirmations deserve consideration. After all, most of us are a mixture of good and evil, wisdom and folly, generosity and greed; if we waited until we found a good idea proposed by a perfect person, we might wait forever." -Student's Book of College English 12th Ed. David Skwire and Harvey S. Weiner
This goes out to all those damn people who like to say "down with the man", who think that judging ANYONE because of something they did is ok, just because of their work title. 

Crunch Time
It's getting to that point. The end of the semester. I haven't done too bad, but I have so many big projects due soon and I haven't started on any of them. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to get done as much as I'd like.
I haven't worked this week and I am supposed to work at least 8 hours a week to keep my job. On top of that, I only worked four hours the week before because of sickness. I don't want to talk to the scheduler, I am afraid of being hollered at or losing my job. That would be devastating.
On top of all of it I have been so lonely lately. It is really starting to hit me that I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. My grandmother is the only person that I am really close to and enjoy talking to, but it is not the same as having a girlfriend. There are things that I just cannot talk to her about because she will bitch at me and I'll just get myself in trouble. I need a friend. It is just really hard at my age to make friends. I have not met anyone at work that could be a potential friend. I don't want to go to bars to meet friends, I don't drink and I don't want drunk friends. I haven't met anyone at school that I could get close to. Where do 20 some-odd-year-olds meet friends? I don't know. Especially finding someone who is interested in the same things I am, someone who DOESN'T drink, drug, or party, someone halfway intellectual.
I've been really dizzy lately and lightheaded. I've had recurring migraines. Now I'm used to migraines, I get them often, but every day? The last week has been a week of waking up to dizziness and it leading to a migraine, then taking medicine and waking up to do it all over again. My sleep pattern has been crazy. My doctor told me it is all part of my constipation but I don't know... I've gotten migraines before when I went this long without pooping but not dizziness and lightheadedness, and not as often as I've been having them. It's more like one continuing headache that I just get relief from for a short period after I wake up, then it comes back. I don't want to see a doctor for it because they just assume I'm trying to get painkillers and treat me like crap. I am so done with asking doctors for help.
I really need to write more often, I enjoy it. Well I have an online class to get to, so I better hang this up now. Adios muchachos!

Back Again...
I've written in these when I was younger, but this is my first time in a long time. I think online journaling has gotten me into a lot of trouble. Now, having not so many friends and frienemies to read and use my words in ways to hurt me will allow me to speak freely.
I might as well use this time to get something off my chest, my sister who I love dearly, has really gotten on my nerves lately. She went from the tom boy in school to being miss diva. With this new look and attitude she has come into the thinking that she is better than me in some ways, She won't bring her boyfriend around, I know she's upset about where we're living, but for her to say some of the things she says to me- it's degrading. We were in a large fight last week, and I was so upset I just broke and cried to the point where I couldn't breath or talk, and she had the right to say to me that what she says about me is funny, but the comment I made to her, which I did to show her what it's like to be spoken to the way she speaks to me, she said was so mean that her and her friends "could not even believe I was her sister."
She's still so naive. And I don't know why I let it bother me so much... but it does.


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